I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
