Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
