Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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