I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This house was built for laser tag.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
