He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
