Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
