this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We were destined to go to rehab together
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
