My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am available for nakedness
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
