Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
