her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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