I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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