Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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