peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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