hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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