Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
