also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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