Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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