Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
