i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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