i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
