Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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