I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the day after is always just damage control
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
