somebody snuck up and got me drunk
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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