It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
