remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
