my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
