Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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