The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
