too bad you live with your parents still
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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