heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
