if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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