1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
