FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
