i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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