it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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