She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
