We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
