cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
