i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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