You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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