The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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