maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
