my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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