The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i believe in u and ur pee
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
