I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
