Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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