She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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