I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
