i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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