How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
