One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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