I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
