If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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