Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
