my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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