You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
