I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
