she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
