i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
