How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
