I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
