Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
